Depression/ Suicidal

Depression - Is a mood disorder that involves a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest.

Suicidal - relating to or likely to lead to suicide.

I've been struggling with this topic for a week because this is where I completely lost myself and I honestly didn't know what to do anymore I was at my wit's end and life really didn't make sense anymore and I just want to die. While I was struggling with this topic my mental health was really low till I cry myself to sleep cause when I look back at my life I wasn't supposed to be here and I thank God, friends, and family for being here for me. After being sexually abused I start developing anxiety attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts, and uncontrollable mood swings.

The first time I ever had an anxiety attack was when I found out that my big brother was shot and he was going to jail for selling drugs. I had a full-blown anxiety attack downtown and my mom didn't know what to do lucky a nurse was close by and she helped me and she told me to inhale slowly and exhale slowly and try to relax and think of happy thoughts but I couldn't cause my big brother was shot and he was going to jail and I wasn't by his side and I felt like I let him down. I had to go to the doctor to get sleeping pills to make me sleep through the night cause my doctor know I wasn't going to sleep and I would just think about it again and have another attack.

So my depression came along with being suicidal sigh, how many times I try to kill myself and it was never successful and I always wonder why cause damn I couldn't bother with this f**ked up life anymore and it was stressing me the hell out. The first time I try to commit suicide I was at work and I wrote a message to all of my friends letting them know that I love them and I'm going to miss them and the reason why I was going to kill myself. When I got home my mom was on her phone and I was walked past her and went to the back of the yard where we have this big tree, I look for a piece of rope and something to stand on and I did find them and I throw the rope on a piece of limb and I stand on the crate and tie the rope and make sure that it was tight enough.

I stand on the crate and I put the rope around my neck and remember my mom didn't know this, while I have the rope around my neck and standing on the crate I had to try and keep my balance cause if my lost my balance that would be it for me. I don't know what happen but all I know was that I couldn't go through it, it's like someone cut the rope and I fell on the ground but I was f**king upset that it didn't happen.

Even though that attempt didn't happen I still think of ways of killing myself I mean I didn't want to be here and I was sick of my life and I just want to die but God didn't want that for me and I would wonder why. The second attempt of killing myself, I was standing on the sidewalk lost to the world and I said this is it I was waiting on a bus or truck to just walk in front of it and just end my life, I saw a truck coming and wait until it was close to me but when it got close my feet would not move "seriously" not again shit I'm tired of you stopping me God just let me go I'm ready to come home.

After all of that I just gave up but in 2016-2017 depression and suicidal knock me out again but nobody knew cause I would smile every day but I was dying inside and that hurt me so much. January 2017 I was at work and I had a major anxiety attack where I felt like I was going to die, my co-workers, didn't know what to do cause they never experience something like this before so while I was having my attack I have to be telling them what to do but it got worse where they had to rush me to the hospital and while I was in the back of the car I told my co-worker that my eyes getting dark and I'm going to die he said '' Trician" you not going to die I can honestly say that I felt death and it wasn't good, I told my co-workers to tell my mom that I love her and I'll miss her so much and don't cry for me cause I'm with the lord now. Got to the hospital and I spoke to my doctor and she gave me pills to control my anxiety " remember that I'm thinking of ways to kill myself" so I said to myself ok tonight is the night everything will be over, think again my mom sleep with me that night to make sure I didn't overdose on my medications. I didn't go to work that week but I jump on a Knutsford to Montego Bay and say this it. Went to the beach and say this is the end I went into the water and I float and I said to myself but if I kill myself my body going to float on the top and I don't want that I want my body to sink where they never find my body.

So that attempt was a waste of my time I went home and the day I went back to my doctor and we sat down and we talk and she asks me what's causing this and I told her. she wrote a letter and gave me and said that I should go UWI so I did and when I gave the nurse the paper little did I know that I was about to admit myself into ward 21 on suicidal watch but I said f**k I want to get better and I sign the papers my mom said that if she knew she wouldn't let me sign the papers cause she didn't want anything worse to happen to me. My ex-boyfriend had to watch me get a tie-down on the bed and my mom also. I was in ward 21 for about 2-3 weeks doing therapy and taking anti-depressants but the thing with that medication still make me feel suicidal so I had to talk to my doctor about it. Talking about my sexually abused was the hardest thing to do cause I never talk about it but when I started therapy I felt a weight that was on my shoulder was being gone and I came out of the hospital and I feeling better but I still continue my therapy session cause it helps me.

Any young female/male that went through the same thing as me never you think that it's your fault and you can't get better because you can hell it might take some time for you to talk about it but remember you always have someone who is willing to help no matter what. My friends told me that I'm strong and honestly sometimes I think I'm not but other times I have to agree with them because I wouldn't be able to sit here and write my story. Don't think your life is over cause it not continue to learn how to love yourself and learn how to get better take it one step at a time and trust me you will get to where you want to be I believe in you.