Struggles

So, let’s clear the air a bit-

I have been struggling for the past couple months and trust me, it has not been easy. I have been feeling depressed, and most of all, a failure. COVID-19 has severely dampen me. Last year, I lost my job; thankfully, I was still able to pay my bills. I decided that I was going to start my business, something I've wanted to do since 2018 but kept procrastinating due to self doubt. I pitched the idea to my ex-boyfriend in 2018 and he blatantly said,'' when you’ve done it, call me ‘cause I know you will dismiss it.” I was heartbroken. We broke up the following year but I was determined to prove him wrong.

I began the process of starting the business. My friends, thank heavens for them, were very supportive. Denesha, who has her own business, gave me advice to influence my decisions even more. I started that business with only five hundred dollars to my name, a secret nobody knew about.

Fast forward to the start up of my cleaning business. I was over the moon. I got small jobs here and there but I honestly, I was discouraged since there wasn’t any money being made. Everything I earned went back to the business and the stipend for my assistant.

I gave up and that’s honestly where I went wrong. I was still getting called for jobs but I had no more motivation left in my tank. I was sitting home unemployed and depressed. I applied for every job available to no avail. Many a nights I would cry myself to sleep, feelings of defeat spiraling through my mind. Was this how my life would really turn out? I was hungry for days. No food in the house. No money in my pockets. I still managed to show up with a smile despite the adversities, with help from my beloved stepfather.

It was now January 2020 and things were starting to look up for me. My friend called me asking if I was in need of a job, I immediately explained my story and told her I’ve been yearning for one. One conversation less to the next and the very next day, I had an interview to prepare for at a local BPO. Now guys. At this point, here I am, broke with no means to get to this interview. I called my sister-in-law who offered one thousand dollars to help the cause BUT things took a turn for the worse since I had no way of reaching her. I lost it. I reached my breaking point. The tears were here and I couldn’t stop them anymore. I didn’t want to. I was tired. My friend, Kenny, was on the phone consoling me. He got me to calm down and I figured out how to knock two birds with one stone- grabbed the money from her office and left for the interview. A nervous wreck but I nailed it. I started my new job in February and for the first time in a long while, things were going smoothly.

March was the start of my productive tenure and a whirlpool of emotions thanks to the infamous COVID-19 in Jamaica. Luckily, I was still working my regular hours until April when everything started to crumble. My working hours were cut short which meant a cut in pay as well. My heart sunk. The office closed and I was home, yet again, for a couple months due to COVID-19 hoping for the best. Just when I thought things were looking up, more cases arose and the workplace was permanently closed.

I started my blog as a means to cope with everything going on in the world and started my job hunting process again. Jamaica was on lockdown and so was my mental health. I was desperate for a job. Anything to get an income. I called my older sister to inquire about her workplace and any vacancies. To my surprise, she said yes and I was relieved. Finally, God has answered a prayer of mine. I emailed her my resume and was scheduled for an interview the following Sunday morning. I did the interview was told I had a second interview upcoming so I should expect a call soon.

My phone never left my side. I was hired on the spot after my second interview. My product training was expected to start on Monday and I couldn’t wait. I was so happy. That happiness was short lived, however, since I wasn’t able to complete my training due to electricity problems. I didn’t want to but I had to ask myself what did to the universe to deserve all of this. I had to travel every morning to my friend’s house to complete my training and if you know me, you’d know that I hate feeling like a burden.

My stepfather’s illness has always been a bother. That coupled with the constant domestic issues surrounding my internet provider and/or utility company made everything so frustrating. When my stepfather fell ill, I didn’t know how to feel. I was numb. My mom lives in the US. She was unemployed as well and most nights we’d spend hours on the phone venting to each other. I felt her pain, mainly because I too, felt the same way. I wished I could’ve been there for her. But alas, better days are coming. I can feel it.

I am struggling right now but this is only temporary. I know with God by my side, I will be successful. If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I needed an outlet, so much so, I’ve been writing and crying. I appreciate all feedbacks and comments.

Have a great night and stay safe!

N.